A Diary(Non-Members): March 14, 2020
Welcome back!!!!!
It’s good to feel motivated to write again…This will be kind of a quickie so I don’t bore you with everything that’s happened since I last wrote. That would be a LOT of writing!
I will say this…I did stop writing and sharing my diaries because I was attacked by one guy about them being so personal and not just about wrestling. His words were really hurtful and I took it personally which I shouldn’t have. But at the time I thought to myself, why am I sharing my deepest feelings when I’m attacked for them? So I quit sharing….Since then many people have asked me to continue writing and I’m back because of that. So I hope you’ll enjoy my thoughts about life and about what’s been happening with shoots, sessions, travel, etc…and I hope on a personal level that you can relate.
We are at a very strange time right now. Probably one of the most challenging that we’ll face in our life. This coronavirus pandemic has disrupted everyone’s lives for now. I know that it is disrupting mine and for now I can only plan 2-3 days at a time if that. But I’m going to stay positive. Life can hit you hard. Damn don’t I know it….
I don’t even know where I left off in my last entry…I didn’t look back, but in the last 8 years, I lost my youngest brother to melanoma. I know I wrote about that. It was devastating. My brother had been a strong tall handsome athlete and an incredible wrestler who went to University on a scholarship. Tough as Nails good guy and the sibling that I though would live longest. His cancer took everyone by surprise. It sickens me to this day because he was the guy who helped everyone out. He was an amazing musician and he was a beautiful loving father to my niece. His lost took it’s toll on my entire family but especially my parents. At that time I started to visit my parents every few weeks…not only for them but for my own mental comfort. Life went on without Eric in our physical world…
I lost my father on November 2, 2016 to a brain bleed caused by a fall. He had 2 brain surgeries within 2 weeks. Then a stroke. I flew to be with him and my Mom the day he had the stroke. I stayed in the hospital with him for a week. I slept in his room every night and talked to him even though he was in a coma. I know he heard me. I told him how he was my hero and I hoped that I hadn’t disappointed him with my choices in life. I told him that I didn’t want him to die but I didn’t want him to live with a quality of life that he wouldn’t have wanted. I also told him that I would take care of Mom and their dog, Blackie and to not worry about anything. He and my Mom were my best friends. Forever. I wasn’t with him when he died. I had flown home to deal with some asshole contractor who was fucking up work on my house. I fired him and I fought like hell to get my money back. I did. It was a nightmare. My Dad died a few hours after I left. It was a Friday evening. I lost my hero and to this moment, it hurts like hell.
My Dad taught me to be a tough. Not that he did anything to make me tough but he was always so amused and so proud when I was. I was the ultimate tomboy who was skinny as a rail. I loved wrestling the boys. It started with my brothers. Saturday mornings we’d wrestle in front of the tv watching cartoons. We would giggle like crazy….I’d catch one brother in between my thighs and enjoy watching him struggle to get away and then I’d pin the other one down with my upper body and he would struggle too. This went on for years…until I was 12. Then my parents thought it was a good idea for me to stop wresting boys. LOL! Little did they know I would never stop! It is one of my greatest loves in life. More on that in my next diary….
My Mom had stage 4 breast cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 2 in 2011. At one point it seemed to be in remission but it came back with a vengeance. When she was diagnosed that it was back and stage 4, I flew to New Mexico to go to her oncologist appointments with her almost every month. She was so damn strong. You would never have known she had cancer. She looked amazing and never let on that she was ill. My Mother was the strongest woman I have ever known. I only wish I had an inkling of the strength she had.
I can’t tell you how much fun my parents were. I LOVED being with them. From the moment I left home, I would visit as often as possible. I felt safe when they were around. And I wanted to give back to them everything they had given me. Everyone who met them loved them. All my friends loved when they would visit. We’d hang out, drink good wine and I loved to cook for everyone. It didn’t matter the age difference…we al had things in common. And my parents were compassionate loving human beings who wanted the best for everyone.
After my Dad died, my Mom’s cancer spread everywhere. Honestly it happened as soon as he died. I guess she lost the will to fight the disease when she lost the love of her life. They were best friends and had always had a very adventurous life together. I’ve always wanted a relationship like theirs. But my relationships never lasted long. That is a subject that we won’t be tackling here. LOL!
Anyway, after Dad died, Mom went downhill very quickly. My sister who lives in NYC, my brother who lives in Washington state and I all took turns going to New Mexico to be with her. Under my sister’s watch, the oncologist and she decided that hospice care was best for Mom. And it was under my watch the last 10 days of my Mom’s life that she was 100% bed ridden. Hospice care was something I was completely unprepared for. I will spare you the details but I was in shock daily. In shock and then taking control of the situation to help and comfort as best I could. I learned a lot about the end of life….the hard way.
My Mom died March 20, 2017. It’s almost 3 years. I sat with her dead body for a few hours before the coroner showed up. A nurse from the hospice was there along with some woman that was supposed to help comfort me. I wanted them to just go!!!! I wanted to be alone with my Mom and my parents’ dog. Blackie Rose sat at the end of my Mom’s bed and howled. It was heart breaking. My Mom was my heroine. She was the STRONGEST woman I have ever known. And I miss her like hell every damn day. And yes, I still cry every damn day. Just a little. You learn to compartmentalize. That’s how you get through life….juggling emotions as you go through your necessary daily activities. It’s amazing how resilient we have to be.
So as I continue to work over the past several years, I’ve been dealing with grief. Grief doesn’t come and go….It is something you process throughout your life. As I said, you learn to compartmentalize it. You learn to embrace it. I realized the pain that I feel is a blessing. A blessing to have loved to such a great extent and to have been so loved. What a gift. But it hurts like hell to this day to have lost that gift. Life has a way of balancing things out. If the love and joy is that enormous then the loss and pain is just as great…It sucks. But yes, it’s a blessing.
Moving on….that was a quick brushing over of where I’ve been in my personal life and emotionally since my last entry. Coming back from that over the past 3 years hasn’t been easy. And it’s still not. I can’t stress enough how much my sessions have helped me. Just being about to relate one on one with a “fan” who becomes a friend. I am so grateful for my work and for my session “friends” who are regulars when I travel to their city. And I’m grateful for my video company which is still kicking it! I know I could do things better….but sometimes I get spread too thin being a single woman with 5 dogs, who travels frequently for work. Thank god for my webmaster, Joe who keep things going on the site and for Steve who travels from Vegas to take care of my babies and my house when I’m on the road. Don’t be misled though….Steve gets a paycheck….nevertheless, I’m still grateful. Just sayin’!
So on to business related stuff… In the past 10 days I worked with Sybil Starr, Veve Lane and Sheena from Hungary. Sybil and I worked for SLAMM creations 2 weeks ago today and Veve and I worked for SLAMM last Saturday. OMG, we had so much fun. The shoot was filled with sexy pics, tame bondage with tickling clips and a lot of laughter. SLAMM bought dinner after both shoots and we all had a great time catching up. The beautiful thing about this business is that you get to work with amazing people. I hadn’t seen Sybil in 8 years. We used to do a lot of competitive matches together. This time she shot a custom video where she beat up Steve. That was super enjoyable to film. I did secretly wish we were up against each other again in a comp fight while she was here. Maybe that is something for the future.
I also shot Veve in a Custom video for the same customer. She beat up and dominated Steve. I always love to see Steve dominated. LOL! (Maybe it’s because I always have to give him that paycheck!!!) Eve is in better shape every time I see her. She is a little fire ball! I don’t think I’ll ever go competitively against her again. The first and only time we fought, I was stupid enough to go first against her that day! LOL! I believe the score was 7-0. Lucky me! You can see me get up and keep trying for 30 minutes if you want to buy that video. I wasn’t a happy camper but you can’t win them all! Especially with someone like Veve who is dedicated to her training daily.
Just a few days ago I shot with Sheena! Damn that girl has put on pounds of muscle in the past few months. She looked awesome and she is always so much fun to shoot with. Alex went against her again in a competitive match. He got decimated! He needs to train if he’s going to keep trying. I don’t think anyone can beat Sheena at this time. She is highly skilled and bigger than the other gals who are at her skill level. Although there are a few competitive matches that I’ll try to put together in the near future. I would love to see Veve vs Sheena and Ariel vs Sheena now. Ooh and Anji! Send me your thoughts please!
As far as my upcoming travel goes….things are up in the air. I’m monitoring the news daily. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens but as I write this, my plans remain the same. I am planning to fly to Singapore on March 29 and return April 7. If I have to postpone then that’s what I will do. Singapore is one of the safest countries as far as the coronavirus is concerned. They were on top of the testing and social distancing right away. Wish I could say the same for our USA….but I’m not going to get political here. It is what it is. I just hope we do the best from here on out.
April 19 I am scheduled to fly to Chicago for 2 days and then on to NYC to do sessions from the 21-24. Once again, if I have to postpone then that’s what I’ll do. I have not planned any future travel until I see how things are in a couple of weeks. Hopefully this virus with be controlled and we can get back to “normal” soon.
So as I leave you here today, I will leave you with this thought. Life will definitely hit you hard! Take those punches and hit back harder!
At that moment when you lay on your death bed, as your life passes before you, you’ll see just how much you took, how much you endured. You’ll remember that you got up and kept moving forward. And surely at that moment, you’ll know that you did everything you possibly could in your lifetime, for yourself and for other beings, and be damn proud of the life you had. And that should be truly enough to set you off on your next journey with no regrets…..
I’m sending my love to you. Stay positive. Be kind.
Peace and Love,
Fightbabe Robin xoxoxo
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